


Barely Breathing

by Caedmon



Series: Amelioration in Budapest [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clint Has Issues, F/M, Loss of Trust, Natasha Feels, Natasha Needs a Hug, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha has a broken heart, Natasha-centric, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV First Person, POV Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Trust Issues, unrequited love - Clint/Natasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 09:05:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2019174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caedmon/pseuds/Caedmon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha has spent her entire life dealing in secrets and lies. But since Clint found her, she's learned to trust other people and shown them her true self. She's fallen in love, she's found a father figure, she's made a great friend. </p><p>Then Loki shows up, Clint is brainwashed again, her past catches up to her, and everything falls all to hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Barely Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first in a series - 'Amelioration in Budapest'. Each work's title is a song title. The work is not inspired by the song, it just happens to fit in some way.
> 
> This fic was inspired in large part by these two posts:
> 
> http://loveholic198.tumblr.com/post/91848517339/clintasha-au-clint-relapses-back-into-lokis  
> http://mikes-grrl.tumblr.com/post/91598820040/so-ive-been-sitting-on-this-gifset-for-a-while  
> There are more notes at the end, I do hope you'll read them, but I'm trying to keep this short. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)
> 
>  
> 
> tumblr: caedmonfaith.tumblr.com

No one knows the first damn thing about me. Even the people that I’d let in and whom I had shown myself to - they don’t know who I am. I took off my mask before them, let them see Natasha for who she is, and they had no idea. They didn’t trust me at all, which is why I ended up doing the most drastic thing I could think of and blowing every cover I had ever had, bringing SHIELD down in one fell swoop. Now I’m in hiding, ostensibly trying to rebuild covers, but actually reassessing my relationships and whether or not I want to come back at all. 

I’d like to say I never gave them any reason to distrust me, and in truth I never betrayed their trust - _ever_ \- but I’ve dealt in lies and deceit for so long that despite the fact that I’ve been showing my true face to these people for years, they haven't recognized it. Or worse, they recognized it and didn’t trust it. 

I suppose this is what I deserve. I lied to Loki a great deal when I interrogated him, but I didn’t lie about the red in my ledger. Any and all ill that befalls me is completely deserved, plus much, much worse. I’ve done things in the service of Mother Russia that no God, no matter how benevolent, could ever forgive me for. When Clint made the call he did, he was the first of a trifecta of saviors. Clint got me on that plane, Coulson let me stay on that plane, Fury let me stay forever. I swore to them and myself that I would never betray them or the faith they put in me. I was completely true to that vow.

I felt for them the first warm emotion that I remember since my childhood - I recognize it now as affection. With all three of them it grew into love - albeit different types of love. Phil was like what I always imagined a father would be. He was kind, warm, firm when he needed to be. He taught me, he guided me. I’ve had tortures inflicted on me that I don’t even want to give a name to, much less describe. But when Phil got that look... that I’m-disappointed-in-you,-Natasha look, well, I would have volunteered to be tortured again rather than know I’d let Coulson down. I wanted so much to please him, to make him proud. 

Nick Fury - well, it was like being able to associate with a deity and have them treat you like something special, being a part of his inner circle. And Fury did treat me as something special. Fury was the smartest man I ever knew, and sometimes it felt like sitting at Socrates’ feet, learning from the master. Being one of his special, most elite agents was the thrill of my life. 

And then there’s Clint. Oh, God, Clint. I fell in love with Clint Barton very early in our relationship, when he’d been assigned to deprogramming me. He was so kind and patient. I found myself realizing in small increments that this man had pulled me out of the muck and was offering me a new life, he was offering his friendship and that I wanted these things. So I joined SHIELD - largely because of the kindness he offered me - and I proceeded to work on scratching over all the red in my ledger with bold black, Clint at my side, guiding and helping me. 

We were so incredibly close…I’d worked with a partner occasionally before, but it always felt like a hindrance. When I worked with Clint, I wondered how I had ever worked by myself before he and I met. He felt the same way. We were better together; we were fluid and it was perfect. Our friendship was the strongest emotional bond I’d ever felt with anyone. It didn’t take many life-or-death situations and only a couple of instances of him taking care of me when I’d been injured before I was head over heels in love with that man. I had no idea what it was that I was feeling at first, but over time I figured out I was in love with him. And that I desperately wanted him to love me back. 

I had no frame of reference for this, no life experience to go on that would teach me anything positive about love or happiness. The Red Room wanted nothing but misery for us and murder from us. They’d taught us to mask our emotions and use our bodies to get what we wanted. This was all I knew to do: it had always worked for me before, when I worked for the KGB. So, I masked the fact that I loved him and set out to seduce him. 

He resisted me at first. He kindly and gently explained that relationships between partners never went well, that we had a good thing, we shouldn't mess it up. It took a couple of months worth of heated glances and accidental touches before we ended up in bed. Of course I couldn’t tell him I loved him, but I could show him when we made love. Right? I figured everything would change when we slept together, but nothing did. Everything stayed exactly the same and we went back to exactly as we were, except every now and then my desire to be close to him would become simply overpowering and I’d seduce him again, or he’d have an itch he needed to scratch and come to me. I knew I was using my body to get what I wanted again, and that I really wasn’t even _getting_ what I wanted, but at least it was on my terms with someone I loved. And he cared about me - in his way. I’ll never believe he didn’t. I _can’t_ believe that.

Then Loki came. Fucking goddamn Loki. 

If I’m ever granted one wish, it will be to watch that Asgardian son of a bitch tortured and then tossed into a fire until I know he’s dead. That bastard ruined everything. _EVERYTHING._ My entire world started crashing down because of him. If I’m being entirely honest, I was living a lie - several lies - and didn’t know it, he just exposed them and caused more damage than he intended. But he _did_ cause that damage. I was happy not knowing about those lies, and that fucker destroyed my fantastic delusion. I’ll never get it back, and now the question is…will it destroy me?

~*~

Loki taking Clint was the most fortuitous choice he could have made. Clint knew everything Loki needed to know to attack and take over the helicarrier. The proudest moment of my life was knocking Loki out of Clint’s head and saving his life. Loki was going to kill him; he’d told me so and I had no reason to doubt him. Loki had lost control at the point he’d threatened me with Clint. I baited him with truth and lies. Love is for children, but I’ve never denied loving. I’ve also never stopped wondering about all the things Clint told Loki.

I lost Phil that day on the helicarrier. It was the first time a coworker’s death affected me deeply. Earlier in the week, even though I didn’t realize it, I had lost Clint and Nick Fury, too. I lost Phil, and had to carry on. I figured as long as I had Clint back, I could soldier through. Clint was safe. That was most important, because I couldn't have withstood losing both of them. 

Clint never really got back to normal after Loki, and never wanted me around as much. I told myself it was because of what Loki had said he was going to make Clint do to me, that it was guilt over Phil or just general anxiety that brought this on. But I was afraid. Fear is not something I’m used to feeling, but I was afraid.

Last fall Clint was clearly not well, and started showing signs of being back under Loki’s spell. (We later learned that it was the Hydra operatives within SHIELD who had taken advantage of his weakened state after Loki; instead of working to help him in counseling sessions after the Battle of New York, they had been experimenting in mind control.) Fury came to me and said that Clint had to be neutralized one way or another. He had been contained and Fury gave me a shot to snap him out of it. I’d done it once before, and I was closer to Clint than anyone else. I braced myself, knowing that what I was about to do was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever done or would do, but Clint was at stake. This was the man I loved. I couldn’t survive without Clint, I had to save him. It was time to work. 

~*~

I walked into his cell and he didn’t bother turning around. He knew the sound of my footfalls after so many years. 

“Clint - “

“Don’t, Nat.”

“Oh, so you do remember me?” I forced a smile into my voice, I wanted to keep it as light as I could. 

“I remember everything. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Apparently you’ve forgotten some things, Clint. You and I, we’re partners. Closer than that. We’re like a two-man secret society. Don’t you remember that? Don’t you remember me?”

He placed his hands on the sink and hung his head. “I remember an albatross, not a partner.”

I went stiff, my arms crossing instinctively, as if to shield myself. “Clint, we’ve got to get whatever this is flushed out. You have to come back to yourself. It’ll all come back if you just -“

He raised up and turned to face me, his body relaxed, his blue eyes, normally so velvety, boring into mine. He didn't raise his voice, but there was something chilling in his tone. “And are you here to persuade me?”

“Fury’s orders are to kill you if we can’t snap you out of it. You know I have plenty of methods, and I think you’ll thank me for it when you’re clear of this. Like last time.”

He cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. “Is that what you think? You think I’m possessed? No, that’s not it at all, Nat. I finally see clearly. I see things for what they are. I see _you._ I finally see you, and I see _me_. All that blood on your hands, all that innocent blood, yet I disobeyed orders and spared you. I brought you in. For that, I’m shackled to you.

You’re my burden, Natasha.

So many lives would have been avenged, so many prayers answered if I had just done my job and killed you. You killed all of those people, left all of that destruction. Yet here you stand before me, free, alive and lying to yourself every day about what you are, about who you are. You’ll never say the words out in the daylight, but we all know the truth. It doesn't change it if you don’t believe it. Do you think anyone has ever really trusted you? Fury? Coulson? Anyone at SHIELD? Do you honestly think _I_ ever really trusted you, Natasha?

No. You are the weight on my conscience. All of the red on your ledger went into my ledger the moment I disobeyed orders.

You are forever my burden, Natasha Romanov. I will always pay for your sins.” 

Then he turned back around, bringing one hand up to rub his forehead in frustration, shutting me out, leaving me to my shock and pain. 

~*~

I don’t remember much after that very clearly. I know that I left and went to Fury. I didn't have to tell him what was said, he’d been watching. I know that I asked him for Clint’s life and he patted me on the shoulder, telling me to go take the rest of the day, Clint was safe for the time being. I remember lying down in one of Clint’s shirts he’d left behind at some point, then crying until I couldn't breathe well. 

The next day, Fury told me that Clint would be in custody indefinitely and that psych was going to try to bring him around. I thanked him and left quietly. It seemed silly, even to me, but I wanted to feel him close to me, no matter what he’d said or how he’d hurt me. I told myself he’d been out of his mind and that he hadn’t meant it. I found myself at a jewelry store not long after buying a tiny gold arrow on a chain and wore it around my neck. It made me feel connected to him. It reminded me of him when things seemed dark, it gave me a reason to fight when I felt like giving up. 

After a few months with no improvement, I talked to Stark and we talked to Fury together. At the beginning of March, Clint was transferred to Avengers Tower to undergo private psychiatric treatment with the world’s best, courtesy of Tony Stark. I was grateful then, but now, given the events a couple of weeks later, I could kiss Tony’s feet.

~*~

Since Clint was taken off missions after New York, I’ve been working with Steve Rogers when I needed a partner, which wasn’t often. I mostly worked solo, but if I had to work with anyone, I was glad it was Cap. We became friends and I began to show more of myself to him - the real me. I started to look out for him outside of work, trying to help him get acclimated to life in the 21st century. We had that in common, being dropped into a strange place and time. I had had Clint to guide me and look out for me, so I decided to be that person for Steve. I didn’t want him to fall in love with me, certainly, but I did hope for his friendship and it seemed that I had gained it. I figured that by showing him my vulnerable sides - parts of the real me - while making him only the second close friend I’d ever had would soothe the gaping wound around the hole Clint left. Nothing could ever fill that hole, but maybe the jagged edges could heal. 

They started to. Cap and I fell into an easy, playful rapport. It wasn’t hard for me to learn to trust Steve, and as time went on, I trusted him more and more. The more I trusted him, the more of myself I showed him and the more I cared about him. I’d honestly thought I was out of damns to give after Phil died and Clint was locked away, that I was just numb, but I gave a damn about Steve. My heart belonged to Clint and always will, but I cared. Steve _mattered_ to me. 

It all started to fall apart in the Indian Ocean - not just for SHIELD, but for me. When Cap and I were in the control room, I’d taken too long accomplishing my objective. Getting the info from the hard drive was my mission, but I was slow and not invisible. I’m not usually so careless, but Batroc spotted Steve and I and tossed a grenade at us. When we were getting up, I tried for my usual banter with him - “Okay, that one’s on me.”

“Damned right it is.”

It was like he had punched me in the gut, but I tried to brush it off. He’d just almost been blown up. High pressure situations and all that. He didn't mean anything by it, other than the obvious. I’d screwed up and he called me on it. I deserved it, it was just that Cap was a bit more brutal than I would have expected. I thought we were closer than that, that we had a bit more friendship between us.

Fury died. I don’t even know how to explain what that was like. Loki had taken Clint away from me, and he’d murdered Coulson. Now, I stood behind a pane of glass and watched as the last man who had saved me, the last of my three redeemers, faded away. I was alone.

Except for Steve. Steve, my one and only friend. My one and only friend who wouldn't tell me why Fury had been in his apartment. But you know, things were getting shady and I suppose it was natural to not know who to trust. That's what I told myself. I tried to understand.

Cap was branded a fugitive, and I never doubted anything he told me when he came to me for a second. We went on the run, fleeing our own coworkers. When the bunker got blown up in New Jersey and we ended up at Sam’s, it occurred to me that while I trusted him implicitly, I had no idea what was running through his mind. I had to know, I needed to know his motives and his thoughts. I didn’t want to know, but I _needed_ to know. He’d saved me because I trusted him. _I had to know._

“If it was the other way around, and it was down to me to save your life - and you be honest with me - would you trust me to do it?”

He paused, considering. “I would now.” Another pause, and the arrow around my neck gained weight, as if Clint were reminding me of the burden he’d called me. “And I’m always honest.”

He gave me a little smile, but it wasn’t enough cushion on the blow he’d just dealt to keep from knocking me back into the detachment I’d known all my life and should never have left. I’d made a mistake in opening myself to him, and I saw that now. I couldn’t help caring about him, I wouldn't even try to not care. I would still do my job, and I would still protect him. I even still trusted him to a degree. But I trusted him to _save_ my life. I didn’t trust him _with_ my life anymore. I shut myself down. Shields up, mask on.

So we did what we had to do, I learned real fast to respect Sam and trust him to save my life, and Maria found us. A small, bitter part of me wishes she hadn’t, because that was the last domino for me.

She and I have never been girlfriends or anything but we’ve talked, been friendly. We’re on the same clearance level, which is shared by a very small number of people. The tiny knot of us are the core, the elite. 

I wish to God, for my emotions, that she hadn’t found us. If she hadn’t found us, I mightn't have broken. Who knows. We’ll never know.

She took us to Fury. A very-much-alive Fury. He had been able to trust Maria Hill with the knowledge that he was alive, but not me. I had had to prove myself loyal to SHIELD to be trusted with that fact. 

When I saw him sitting there, looking at me, my arrow burned into me, piercing my throat as surely as if Clint had shot me. I had to reach up to touch it and assure myself that it actually wasn’t physically cutting into me, that Clint wasn’t pushing it into my skin to remind me of his words. I don’t remember what got said or what happened. I remember I had to find somewhere and sit down as soon as I was able.

Clint was right. He’d been telling the truth about all of it. Nobody knew me, nobody trusted me. I had given my life to these people, opened myself to them, and they didn’t trust me or know me at all. I had dealt in lies for all of my life, so much so that when I took off my mask and showed my true self to the people I cared about, they didn’t trust what they saw. I had laid my life in the hands of those four men - Clint, Fury, Phil and Steve. All of them protected me, none of them trusted me. I could protect myself, I didn't need physical protection. What I needed for the people I believed in to believe in me, too. Their lack of faith was more damaging than any bullet could ever be.

Fury conceded leadership to Cap, and planning began. Usually, I'm a valuable asset at this point in an op, but right now, I didn’t care. I didn't want to participate. I didn’t want to breathe. I didn’t want to move. I didn't want to be alive. I had lost the only father I had ever known in Coulson. I had lost the only man I had ever loved in Clint. The man I respected above all others didn’t believe in me at all. And the one person I’d taken a chance with, that I'd opened up to, he trusted me not to let him die and he’d tell me a joke.

Fuck this. Fuck the op. Fuck SHIELD. Fuck Hydra. Fuck everything. Why should I believe in them if they don’t believe in me? 

They were planning a takedown of SHIELD, I was planning a route to one of my safehouses.

No. _NO_. Natalia Romanova had been bred into evil and taught to preserve herself, but I wasn’t Natalia anymore. I was Natasha now. Clint, Coulson, Fury and Steve had changed me. They had taught me a better way. I was a force for good - no matter what company I had been working for. Everyone in the world thought I was an evil person, even the people who know I fought in NYC thought I did so for some sort of personal gain.

No. No, no, _no_. I wasn't having it. Clint had redeemed me before, along with Fury and Coulson. But that was the thing - _they_ had done the redeeming. I hadn’t redeemed myself - not to them or anyone else. I knew I’d never been clean in most people’s eyes; I would always be a murderous, horrible human being - lower than dirt. But if I took down SHIELD and bared my sins to the world, I’d be as absolved as I could make myself. I’d be redeeming myself as much as I could. And honestly, I didn’t care what anyone in the world thought - there were four opinions that mattered. Steve, Fury, Clint and what I believe Coulson would have thought had he been here. I prayed that wherever he was, Phil Coulson would be proud for what I was about to do. 

~*~

I made my goodbyes beside Fury’s grave and brought Steve the file he asked for, because he asked for it. I tried to joke with him as I left, but it felt stilted. I knew he didn’t believe in me and he never would, no matter what I did. I wanted to ask Fury about Coulson, I wanted to _rage_ at Fury about Coulson, but I didn’t. I was too tired and completely numb. They didn’t care, and I couldn’t care. I just left.

I called Stark, only because I wanted to check on Clint. Tony said that he was improving. Knowing what I knew now, I wasn't surprised. I figured he'd make a full recovery, but I don’t know how I’ll handle it when he and I inevitably cross paths. I don't know how much of what he said he meant, I just know it was all true. I’m not sure I can ever face him again. Tony asked me if I wanted to pass a message along, and I said no.

Tony asked me where I was going, and I wouldn’t tell him. I know he could find out without lifting a finger, but he didn’t push it. He asked how to get in touch with me and I gave him an email address to a secure server. When I checked my banking account the next day, there was a $50,000 deposit and a notation - “Relax a while, clear your head. Call if you need anything. -T”. 

So here I sit, on the balcony of my condo overlooking the Danube, sipping coffee. I’ve no idea where I’ll go or what I’ll do. Right now, I’m contenting myself with sipping coffee and being around people who smile at me genuinely, who take what I say at face value. Until the past six weeks, I had no idea how comforting that was, but I have reveled in it since arriving in Budapest. Am I still wearing a mask? I suppose you could say that I am, only in that I’m not using my legal name or information. But when someone asks me what I like in my coffee, or what my favorite color is, or any other question that requires my opinion or original thought from me, they’re getting my thoughts. _Natasha’s_ thoughts and _Natasha’s_ feelings. Given the fact that no one ever recognized me when I bared myself to them before, I dare say that being myself is the best mask I could use while I hide undercover.

It feels good. I feel like breathing.

**Author's Note:**

> I've always been fascinated by Natasha's motives, the two posts at the beginning of the work got me to thinking even more about her. I wondered what she would say about it, so I tried to put myself in her shoes and wrote it all down. 
> 
> I've also had the headcanon for a while that Natasha fell for Clint first, and that she lied her ass off when she intimated to Loki that she didn't love Clint. Just lied her little spidery formerly Russian ass off. Lying is what she does, and she was gambling for his life. Of course she bluffed. That's my headcanon, anyway.
> 
> A comment inspired me to add: I ship Clintasha HARD, and I believe Clint loves her. I think brainwashed Clint was trying to manipulate her and take her power away on behalf of Hydra. All of the above people trusted her (as much as anyone trusted each other when SHIELD was infiltrated) and that Clint loved her, he just sucks at feelings and then was brainwashed. 
> 
> What's important, though, is less what *happened*, and more what Natasha's *perception* of what happened is. Basically, brainwashed Clint's manipulation worked.
> 
> The title is inspired by the Duncan Sheik song of the same name, it's about a loss of trust in a relationship. It doesn't entirely fit this song, but it was intrigued me.


End file.
